1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.

8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.

9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.

10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

11. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your
boot.
                                                  
12. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

14. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.

15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
in, and rounds them off.

18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

20. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
not far from the object we are trying to hit.

21. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

22. BELT SANDER: tool for introducing deep and randomly positioned
marks into the expensive piece of hardwood you spent most of the
previous day machining.

23. THICKNESSING PLANER: tool for removing belt sander marks from
expensive hardwoods, usually leaving them 3-4mm too thin to be of any
practical use.

24. PHONE: tool for calling suppliers to make sure that you bought the
last piece of expensive hardwood in the country.

25. SPRAY GLUE GUN: Mainly used to attach wood veneer effect laminate
to MDF in an attempt to make it look like a piece of expensive
hardwood.

26. LAMINATE TRIMMER: High speed rotary tool used for removing parts
of knuckles whilst simultaneously chewing up the edge of previously
laminated MDF boards.

27. SKIP: Large device used to ensure nobody else knows about any of
the above.