FOR SALE: Nice parachute: never opened - used once.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite and you'll eat less. Have two, and you'll eat twice as less.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep. Not
like the passengers in his car, screaming their heads off.
A blind guy went to the mall and started whirling his dog around and around
above his head. Then someone went up to him and asked him what he was doing. He
replied, "Just having a look around."
This is a true story. One of my math professors was talking with a particularly
arrogant student. Student: "Gee, it was awful nice of the dean to recommend me
for that scholarship after all the rotten things I've been saying about him all
these years." Professor: "Well, it just goes to show you're a better judge of
character than he is!"
"I upset him so much by banging my stomach against his fist, I had to calm him
down by repeatedly smashing my face against his knee!"
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not cut out for skydiving.